by BIG DICK POWER SURFER April 24, 2021 3 min read

In 1994 Stab asked me to write a Power Rankings column. 

I said no because that’s dumb. Even though I am Big Dick Power Surfer, I recognize the importance of Speed and Flow. The ASP criteria is my religion and I told Stab I would only do it if the entire thing was taken into consideration. Speed, Power, Flow, as well as innovative and progressive maneuvers. 

The rest is history. 

Speaking of which, history was made in Newcastle as Carissa Moore became the first-ever female competitive surfer to make a French person feel happy for someone else. 

Shortly thereafter, in Narrabeen, controversy ensued when the WSL failed to properly score one of Italo Ferreira’s waves after a questionable rideout of a backside air reverse. 

But you know who else had a controversial landing in New South Wales? 

Captain Cook. 

Not only is he famous for “discovering” Australia and kickstarting the racist and horrific process of colonialism, he’s also the WSL’s TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC as the only person in the world who has ever been interested in surfing without actually participating in it. 

And that’s not to mention the fact that Erik Logan looks like a Tesla guy — meaning the WSL is pretty much in cahoots with Elon Musk, who is literally trying to colonize Mars. 


Makes you think. 

#69 The WSL Application 
Here’s an idea: Do some research, create a website and social media presence, start a multi-level marketing scheme, make it work, get cash, grow, feel the icy nectar of corruption in your veins, expand the business, keep growing, get into bigger, more complex, higher-stakes schemes, get caught, and die alone in prison like Bernie Madoff. 

You can do all of this from your smartphone, and it will be easier than trying to check comp results on the WSL app. 

#33 The Slaterstian Prophecy 
I’m not saying we should blame Kelly Slater’s pull-out method for the mostly lackluster conditions we’ve seen so far this year but I am saying it’s his fault. 

#17 Mick Fanning 
Mick got a taste of his own medicine in Narrabeen. You might be thinking no he didn’t, he lost to Italo, who is a very different form of surfer. However, the reality is that Mick invented exercising. And now, all these years later, you got people doing handstand backflips in hotel rooms to train for surfing. No shit they’re gonna surf like that now Michael, look what you’ve done. 

On assignment.

#15 Journalism Isn’t Dead 
Real journalism is getting COVID instead of just talking about it. A few months ago I was drunk in New Jersey and boxed my friend in his unfinished basement. He fell ill the next day; COVID is thought to be the most contagious just before symptoms hit. Which is to say that I am now an expert in all of surfing’s COVID related matters moving forward and should be on the WSL’s medical advisory board.

#9 Anti-Vaxxers 
They will latch on to any headline but I want to make it clear (see above) that the Johnson & Johnson Florence vaccine has not been STOPPED it’s only been PAUSED. 

Can you imagine? We had two board-builder/surfer icons — Mark Richards at Newcastle, Simon Anderson at Narrabeen — and we saw immature competitors jumping on their crafts in the heat of the moment. It’s utterly disrespectful to the sport. I don’t care how emotional you are, stuff like this just has no place in surfing: 

#7 Tatiana Weston Webb 
Solid showing from the woman from surfing’s cultural epicenter (Brazil). 

#6.9 Conner Coffin 
It’s clear that he has been working on what Joe Turpel might describe as a jam in the pocket. 

#4 Italo Ferreira 
He is rumored to be a newly single man. Australia seems like a good place to find a rebound. Wonder if there’s anyone around, especially since Red Bull replaced his intake of a certain caffeinated beverage…  

#3 Ellie Jean Coffey 
Props to the WSL. Going into this leg, with COVID and all, it sounded like the OnlyFans on the beach would be the surfers’ families, coaches, etc. Good on them for opening it up to everyone. 

#2 Gabriel Medina, 
Speaking of which, this international star famously waited for marriage to have sex. Has it loosened him up in a way that benefits his surfing? It’s still too early to say. 

#1 Morgan Cibilic  
Speed, power, and flow. May Deus bless his very soul. 

Caio Ibelli Of The Event: 
Morgan Cibilic 

Morgan Cibilic Of The Event: 
Conner Coffin 

Shaun Cansdell Of The Event: 
Reef Heazlewood 

Meditation Of The Event: 

Conspiracy Theory Of The Event: 

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