Familiar Faces Turn Up For Episode 5 Of The Ultimate Surfer

by The Ultimate Surf Fan September 07, 2021 4 min read

The first reality TV show aired in 1948, and didn’t stop production until 2014. 

It was called “Candid Camera” and captured the responses of unsuspecting prank victims. The hijinks included everything from driving into an auto shop in a car without a motor to making silly phone calls.

As time went on, the boundaries of reality TV radically expanded. In 1989, watching people get DUIs on Cops became a new form of entertainment. By the early 2000s, our intellectual stimulants came in the form of Survivor and MTV’s True Life. Eventually, we found ourselves drooling over inflatable asses, Jersey party boys, and pregnant 16-year-olds.

Reality TV offers a safe space where we can remove our brains from our skulls and fill our heads with Reddi-whip. In reference to our obsession with reality TV, Dr. Tobias-Webb said “The physiological arousal from drama is exciting; increasing our heart rate, visceral arousal and leading to the release of endorphins in the brain which are pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing, not much different than the effect of some drug addictions.”

There you have it, we’re all on drugs. A doctor said that, so it’s for reals.

Come hither, a syringe full of Episode 5 is waiting for you:

Koa is making a smoothie and having fantasies about explicit speak from the Ultimate Surfer’s host, big daddy Jesse. Also, my laptop raises a quarter-inch, thinking about the hypothetical experience of direct eye contact with Jesse.

Jesse now steps into frame, and my laptop flings upward. My MacBook (I’m so fucking rich) is now lodged in my popcorn ceiling. I don’t have a popcorn ceiling. I don’t know why I lied about that — weird thing to lie about.

Parked in the picnic area of the surf ranch are two tiny pop-up trailers, which Jesse explains will be part of the grand prizes for our two Ultimate Surfers. $100k, 3 WCT wildcards, and now a tiny home. Wow. Seriously. Can’t believable.

Wait a minute. Those trailers aren’t empty! All previously eliminated contestants are waiting in the trailers! It’s crammed, is there AC in there? Who pooted? Does this napkin smell like chloroform?

Anastasia vibes out the lineup and serves up looks to the ladies who aren’t Malia. Our surfers go tubing and have an “epic” party day on lake.

The gang digs into some steak and lobster while Malia and Anastasia chat on the boat. When they arrive back on land, they’re upset. The others started eating, WITHOUT US!

Hunk man sexy face returns to end the dinner, and brings a special announcement.

All the eliminated surfers are getting a chance to surf themselves back into the competition. Today.

The previously eliminated surfers will form teams, which will be picked by the six surfers still kickin.

New Teams:

Bruna and Austin

Juli and Mason

Kayla and Luke

Anastasia and Kai

Kelly Vision is back! Woot woot, he doesn’t really say what the challenge is, but you should try to win it.

Kayla is team Tia, and says that Malia can “suck it.” Now this show has truly won my heart.

The two highest scoring teams will advance to a surf off. One male and one female will earn a spot back on the show.

Luke bobs and weaves with a clean run.

Duuuuuuuuval, Kayla connects 5 million turns, and the Durden/Davis combo identifies themselves as a threat.

Bruna stalls for the tube, then the camera switches to Zeke, who is saying “OHHHHH!”

Now it’s commercial time. When we come back, I assume we’ll find out that Bruna fell in the tube. Let’s wait and see.

An alcohol ad features underwater shots of someone surfing a reef break. I learn that all surf photographers and filmers are millionaires with alcohol brand deals.

We’re back, and I was right. Bruna gets violently clipped by the lip.


Austin has a promising start but gets swallowed by the tube (“OHHHHH!”). Juli puts together a decent line and gets bonus points for riding a Slater designs. 

Mason plays it safe with a simple route.

Anastasia, who won a national title in the ’90s, falls early into her ride.

Kai, who was a World Junior champion, but is no longer a junior, throws the fuck down. Big boy style. Put the team on his fucking back, Greg Jennings style.

The two highest-scoring teams will advance to a surf-off. One male and one female will earn a spot back on the show.

Kayla and Luke take the first spot with a 7.78.

Anastasia and Kai take the second with a 5.75.

Surf off time. Joel and Erica get us jazzed up.

Luke Davis is alive! Shwack after shwack, Mr. ‘Insane Morroco edit now playing exclusively on Stab Premium’ sits too deep and gets washed away in the tube. “OHHHHH!”

Kai puts together another flawless run.

Kayla does another 5 million turns, and neglects the barrel section for the sake of bashing lips.

Anastasia starts off hot, but falls near the finish.

Kai has officially been revived, as well as Kayla.

Jesse is blown away. Koa is scared of the high scores.

Malia = not happy. Uh oh.

See y’all tomorrow, unless I find a way to get fired by then. Open to suggestions.

The post Send Your Macbook Through The Ceiling, Kai Barger Is Back On Ultimate Surfer appeared first on Stab Mag.